


Be My World

by wwhy



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, M/M, Minor Character Death, romantic chanyeol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-04-30 22:28:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14506839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wwhy/pseuds/wwhy
Summary: Chanyeol looks over and knows what he’s thinking. He tells him like always that it's just a matter of time, that things are changing with the new generation. Any day now, he says, they'll be having their marriage in Baekhyun's grandmother's beautiful house in Bucheon. They'll adopt four kids (two boys and two girls for gender equality) and celebrate their anniversary for their marriage each year by getting married all over again.Whenever Baekhyun thinks that he might be alright with adopting, he wonders what it would be like to look at a baby's face with his eyes and Chanyeol's ears.





	Be My World

**Author's Note:**

> A slow read.
> 
> The song Baekhyun and Chanyeol dance to is _Be My World_ by Moonsound.

He sits by the window looking out at the bustling streets below them as he usually does after  _that._

The weather, he can tell from his spot by the window, is nice. The warm night air is supposed to warm him up, supposed to let him go outside in just a t-shirt and a pair of shorts. But he's cold from where he sits; he can feel their AC on full blast. The room is chilly and the window he's leaning on is too. It doesn't feel warm enough to be June. 

June. He has always wanted to be a June baby. June babies are always full of life, full of sunshine. They smile like the everglowing cinders of a fire that will never go out. They're vivacious, energetic, free-spirited. If Baekhyun chose a time to have a child, it would definitely be in June. 

A car honks somewhere nearby and Baekhyun searches for the source of the sound. He stares at the cars that zoom past him at an almost blinding speed. Then, they all come to a stop, as if under the silent spell of a magician. Every car at the intersection pauses for a heartbeat until some start to move again.

What day of the month is it again?

"Baekhyun."

He feels a shiver ghost down his spine at the calling of his name, and he isn't sure if it's because he's only wrapped in a thin bed sheet as he leans against the cold glass of the window, or if it's the familiar beckoning of his lover that snatches his attention.

"You'll get yourself sick if you don't clean yourself out."

Ah, right. Clean himself out. He needs to do that or else he'll get stomach cramps. He really should get up and go to the bathroom now, Baekhyun thinks, because he can feel the semen inside of him leaking out and spilling onto his cotton sheet. It feels disgusting now that it's cold and hardening. The high from earlier has been replaced with a dull loneliness and a faraway longing.

"I don't want to," Baekhyun ends up saying after a minute of silence. And really, he doesn't want to. His body is much too weak to make its way to the bathroom all the way at the end of the room.

"I can do it for you. Let me take you to the bathroom. I know your legs get weak after  _that._ "

But after what, Baekhyun wonders? Why is he afraid to say what they did? They had sex, made love, fucked– whatever you call it– on the king-sized bed that Baekhyun had picked out himself at the mattress store. It's just a word, Baekhyun thinks. There's no reason to censor it.

He feels arms try to wrap around him like the tendrils of a grapevine. They try to make their way under his legs to lift him and he instantly swats them away, pulls the thin cotton sheet tighter around himself.

"Chanyeol," he says. There's a warning in his voice.

If you didn’t know him, it would seem odd that he isn't letting Chanyeol touch him. It looks like his mood is sour and he's irritated for no apparent reason, other than the fact he's cold but he doesn't want to get up.

Yet, if you really knew him, _really_ knew him like Chanyeol does, you would understand why he's angry– understand why he's even a little sad. Chanyeol could clean up the mess he's made inside of Baekhyun, but he wouldn't be able to even get near the mess inside of his heart.

 _He's always moody after sex,_  Chanyeol thinks to himself. But he doesn't say it out loud, would never dare to. He would never disrespect Baekhyun that.

Instead, Chanyeol pulls his hands away from Baekhyun and sits behind him on the metal railing before the window. The metal is cold and he can feel it through the fabric of his expensive pants. He tentatively leans his head forward and relaxes when Baekhyun's hand comes around to cup his face. Baekhyun leans back into the other man’s warm embrace and sighs, closing his droopy eyes and allowing Chanyeol's arms to wrap around his stomach.

"I'm sorry," he breathes. "You know how I get when it's near that time."

Chanyeol's eyes flicker towards the calendar sitting on their nightstand. Even in the dark, he can make out what day it is.  

The uncomfortable feeling settling in Baekhyun's stomach is almost too much for him to bear. If he doesn't clean himself out now, he's going to regret it the next morning. Chanyeol's hands are warm around his stomach and it helps a little (Chanyeol knows it does), but his legs won't move and his arms are tired from holding up the weight of his body for the past hour.

"I want kids, Chanyeol," Baekhyun whispers, ever so quietly. He's said it a million times, and he's pretty sure it'll be the last thing he'll say when he's on his deathbed. 

"I know," is all Chanyeol replies to him. 

Baekhyun feels so empty inside at this time of the year. The beautiful scenery of downtown Seoul does nothing to cheer his mood. Looking down at the happy couples below him– boys and girls walking together– only serves to make him blue.

Blue is all he ever is these days and he knows that he’s being stupid. He knows it's not possible. He knows it's making him sick every time they have sex. But he likes keeping Chanyeol's seed inside of him, or better yet, the man himself inside of him, for as long as possible after  _that._  It comforts him, in a sense. It makes him feel that what he's doing  _isn't_  useless, that he isn't a man without a reproductive system that can bear children. 

The word.  _That._  It makes him crumble inside. It makes all of his walls fall down and turn into piles of mud. He rebuilds them over and over again with trembling hands, but they're so fragile in the face of that word that it's laughable. What's the use of sex if it isn't going to bring him and Chanyeol any kids?

They've had the conversation a million times. They've had sex a million times. Each time, it feels like the first, feels like his skin is on fire and like Chanyeol's hands are magic. Each time, he is painfully reminded that what they're doing is useless. They're simply going at it like monkeys, fucking purely for pleasure and nothing else. Nothing is going to come out of their efforts. Two men having sex, Baekhyun thinks, is virtually useless aside from the fun. Genetically, a dead end. 

And so, he surrenders himself. He's accepted long ago that he'll never see a kid who’s biologically his. He'll never get to raise a kid who'll be surrounded by Chanyeol's music and his singing. He'll never go shopping in the baby aisle at the drug store for diapers and happily respond to the questioning eyes of others that it's for his  _baby._  They'll never be daddy and daddy number two.

He's accepted that long ago.

But, once upon a time, he did have the chance.

The chance to see a little girl who looked just like him and the chance to raise her surrounded by Chanyeol's music.

June twenty-sixth.

The memories of three years ago flash across his brain like he's rubbing salt into his wounds, and he tries to wave it away.

June twenty-sixth.

Baekhyun lets Chanyeol carry him to the bathroom and they shower together.

 

 

\--

 

 

It's not the worst thing in the world, Baekhyun sometimes thinks, that he'll never get to have children.

Firstly, kids are scary. The unborn child is a seed of possibility and doubt. What if they disappoint you, or even worse, you disappoint them as a parent? What if they don't grow up to be genuine, kind-hearted souls? What if the child dies? There are so many  _what if's_  involved in parenthood, and life would be so much easier without them. The doubts that cloud Baekhyun's mind around having a child are numerous and he doesn't think he’ll ever be ready to see his child hurt in any shape or form.

Secondly, they take up time. Children, Baekhyun thinks, will become his sole purpose for staying on this planet aside from Chanyeol. Cook, clean, change their diapers. Wake up at three a.m. to stop their crying. Scramble a way to pay their college tuition when they're eighteen. He’s looked at the articles, looked at the studies from _Demography_ and the _Washington Post._ Drops in levels of happiness. Fights with partners, higher risks of depression, domestic isolation in your first year. Would he ever be ready to dedicate so much of his time to another person? Would he and Chanyeol start giving so much of their time to their child that they would forget to love each other? 

Walking with Chanyeol now on the rooftop of their pricey condominium, Baekhyun thinks that he's too selfish to have a child. He really wants Chanyeol all for himself, and he doesn't think he's ready to watch him become old and weathered just yet. He isn't mature enough to accept the consequences of being responsible for another human life. He is too selfish to give up this time he spends with his boyfriend and spend it on somebody else. 

Boyfriend. The word strikes a chord in his head– one of those strange, diminished-seventh chords with the root of the chord floating above him. The word is foreign yet well-known to him at the same time.

"How are you today, Baekhyun?"

Baekhyun replies that he's well, that he's happy. Chanyeol enquires him to keep on going and tell him about his day.

"This dinner was a lovely surprise. I'm surprised they let us on the roof and do all of this."

"I would do this on every rooftop in Seoul if you wanted me to, Baekhyun. You're just that worth it," Chanyeol says as he interlocks his fingers with Baekhyun's shorter ones.

They dance. They listen to music coming from Chanyeol’s trustworthy, good old Bluetooth speaker. Chanyeol has all his favourite songs on this playlist as they go through hits by _CNBLUE, Rain,_ and even some new stuff from _Dean._ When _Half Moon_ comes on, Chanyeol spins Baekhyun around and sings along in his baritone voice, humming that Baekhyun’s his other half, his missing piece.

“You’re so cheesy,” Baekhyun says as he places his face in Chanyeol’s chest. He feels safe here as he inhales the scent of musk, wine, and shampoo as his boyfriend’s heart steadily beats in his ear.

“And you, baby, are so lovely,” Chanyeol replies as he sways them back and forth to the music. He sighs, and it’s such a forlorn sigh that it rattles and runs through his whole body. Baekhyun leans up and plants a tender kiss at Chanyeol’s cheek.

Chanyeol rumbles, if that’s what you can call the affectionate noises coming from his throat. “What did I do, Byun Baekhyun, to deserve someone as lovely as you?”

“Oh, stop it, you,” Baekhyun mutters, but the telltale blush on his face gives him away. He doesn’t vocalize his happiness but instead links his arms around Chanyeol’s neck and presses his lips to his. He licks at them, nipping playfully when Chanyeol doesn’t allow him access to his mouth until he eventually gives in. They stand there kissing open-mouthed for a while before Chanyeol bends his head to gently kiss the shorter’s neck.

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun says, barely above a whisper. The feeling of Chanyeol’s lips on his sensitive neck and hands on his body make him shiver in delight. He desperately wishes to keep this little moment forever, make their finite time last for eternity. He drowns himself over and over again in the sensation of just Chanyeol, just his scent, just his touch. 

Loving Chanyeol comes to Baekhyun naturally, as easy as breathing. 

When Baekhyun’s favourite song comes on, Chanyeol looks down and holds Baekhyun’s small face in his large hands. Their eyes glitter with the sparkle of a thousand street lamps and night lights. 

“Can you be my world, please be my one love if you don’t mind,” Chanyeol sings an octave lower. He kisses Baekhyun on the nose and they gently rock together in the warm summer air. Music and Chanyeol flood Baekhyun’s senses as he softly kisses his lover, eyes half-lidded and heart happy. 

Chanyeol plays music and dances with him on the rooftop of their building, careful to keep his hand on his waist and never let him dance too close to the railing. He plays all his favourite songs, leads Baekhyun through all the easy dance steps and holds him so gently at the end after they've shared a glass of his favourite ice wine. 

Chanyeol, Baekhyun thinks, is the human embodiment of  _boyfriend material._  He's so nice to Baekhyun, after all. He holds his hand when he's scared, remembers all the things he likes and dislikes in his food (cucumbers, no thank you, milk in ramen, yes) and tells him he's absolutely stunning without fail every morning. He remembers all their anniversaries, all their achievements together, all their firsts, and tells Baekhyun he knows he’ll be his last. 

Baekhyun has been in love with Chanyeol for eight years and he knows he'll stay in love with him for as long as humanly possible.

But, that's all Chanyeol will ever be. His boyfriend.

They’ll only be able to be boyfriends in their own country because after all, they can’t get married. They’re not even allowed to adopt children. Baekhyun feels a shadow fall on his face as these thoughts course through his head, his hands nursing a glass of his now too-sweet ice wine. He thinks to himself that it would be so wonderful to declare his undying love to someone for the rest of his life. It would be amazing to keep his word to his one and only and give him this indescribable feeling of just being _complete._

Chanyeol looks over and knows what he’s thinking. He tells him like always that it's just a matter of time, that things are changing with the new generation. Any day now, he says, they'll be having their marriage in Baekhyun's grandmother's beautiful house in Bucheon. They'll adopt four kids (two boys and two girls for gender equality) and celebrate their anniversary for their marriage each year by getting married all over again.

Whenever Baekhyun thinks that he might be alright with adopting, he wonders what it would be like to look at a baby's face with his eyes and Chanyeol's ears.

 

 

\--

 

 

Nine and a half days before June twenty-sixth, Jongdae frantically sprints into their room and pulls open the blinds.

"Come on, wake UP you rich assholes! We've got an emergency and I know neither of you has work today."

Baekhyun groans because it's eight in the morning on a Saturday and his eyes are screaming at the sudden flood of light into their bedroom. Jongdae is the only person in the entire world who gets up at six o'clock on the dot every single day. Baekhyun wonders why he's friends with somebody who would wake him up at his ungodly hour, and wonders again how Jongdae even got into their house.

"Get up, get up, get up! At least, Chanyeol has to help me with this one or my daycare's going to end up in flames five minutes after it opens." Jongdae is screeching like a parrot as he runs around the room and flicks on all their lights– even the one in the bathroom.

The mention of his daycare going up in flames catches Baekhyun's attention for a second, and he thinks that he would rather Jongdae himself light up in flames if it meant he could sleep in a little more. 

"I'm going to need you all to cooperate with me, here. I'll tell you the story on the car. Just move your rich asses, please, for the sake of the poor blue-collared worker standing in front of you!"

Eventually, when Chanyeol starts snoring again and Baekhyun doesn't budge, just stares at Jongdae amusedly, Jongdae's patience wears thin.

"I didn't want to have to do this, but you're making me. You both underestimate the muscles I have from lifting preschoolers off of my coworkers."

With a noisy wheeze and a strong tug, Baekhyun feels his two comforters and one blanket being pulled off him. He hisses at the cold air hitting his skin and tries to curl into Chanyeol who is draped over him from behind him when he winces. He realizes with half amusement and half pain that Chanyeol is still inside of him, semen still warm deep inside of his anus and that he is very,  _very_  dry. He does not want to be moved from his current position right now.

When Jongdae looks down to see that both him and Chanyeol are naked and sleeping in post-fuck mode, he gives another screech and makes gagging noises.

"Indecent. Disgusting. I did not have to see that. I'm gay, but I will never be this gay. I am going to leave this room for the next five minutes and the two of you will come out fully dressed. Thank you."

He leaves the now awake Baekhyun and Chanyeol from where they lie on their bed, and they burst into laughter. They continue laughing hysterically until Jongdae kicks at their door with a warning and then they scramble to get up. Baekhyun is doubled over in pain on the floor when Chanyeol pulls out too fast, and he realizes with an  _oh, fuck_  that he forgot to clean himself out. His stomach hurts and he wonders blearily if he can get pregnant from this.

Once they're both dressed and showered and it's eight fifty-eight, two minutes until the daycare opens, Jongdae rushes them down the highway at a speed that is surely illegal. 

"So," Jongdae begins to explain, "this morning, I found out that our head childcare worker left for a vacation in Dubai and she forgot to tell me about it. Consider her fired."

Baekhyun and Chanyeol look at each other from where they're tangled together in the back seat.

"Then, two of our part-timers got food poisoning. Consider them dead to me. I will kill them before the food gets to them."

Baekhyun and Chanyeol untangle their limbs and sit up straighter in their seats.

"Our last member of the team is seventy-six and I honestly can't tell if she's dead or not because she just sits in the back of the daycare and lets the kids climb on her. You can see the problem I've got on my hands."

"Why didn't you ask someone else?" Chanyeol dares to venture. "We're not the best choices you could have picked to fill in for daycare workers."

"Yeah, you're right," Jongdae says with a sigh. "The two of you are at the bottom of my list."

"Gee, thanks," Baekhyun mutters.

"But, Soo and Nini’s shop is open on Saturdays, Jun-what's-his-face is conveniently on a business trip in the States, my four Chinese penpals are, well, in  _China,_ and Sehun is probably still homeless because the last time I saw him was three months ago working as an unwanted stripper at a McDonald's."

"There's still Minseok. He's good with kids," Baekhyun says.

"Minseok," Jongdae says very carefully as if Baekhyun has the IQ of a sock, "is my ex-boyfriend. I do not  _like_  Minseok. Minseok is a bad man. I do not want him to fill in at my daycare. I do not want him there  _because_  he is my ex-boyfr–"

"Okay, okay, we get why you called us," Chanyeol interrupts. 

“Good. Wonderful. Somebody here has a brain.” Jongdae pulls into the small parking lot of his daycare and turns off the engine.

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae says after he pauses for a moment to think, “you really don’t have to join us on this one. Here, take my keys. Drive yourself around and get a frappuccino.” 

Baekhyun jolts when Jongdae haphazardly tosses his keys to him, but he shakes his head and gives a small smile.

“I’ll be fine. You need the extra help. I’m not letting Chanyeol defend himself alone against a barrage of preschoolers.” 

Chanyeol whips his head from the sandwich he’s burying his face in to object. “I will be perfectly fine by myself against a few kids, for your information. And Baekhyun, you really don’t have to. It’ll be boring, anyway.”

From the driver’s seat, Jongdae gives another one of his parrot-like shrieks _(I heard that!)_ before he calms down and turns around to Baekhyun. His face is stoic and he looks nonchalant, but his hands tapping incessantly on the leather of his seat betray his unease.

“You’re sure? It’s only until noon. Then my other part-timer is coming.”

“I’m golden,” Baekhyun reassures him before he steps out of the car, preventing any further discussion.

 _I’m golden, just golden,_ Baekhyun thinks as he approaches the building. To his left side, Chanyeol has an arm wrapped protectively around his waist. To his right, Jongdae is chattering to someone on the phone, presumably the other part-time worker. He can feel his hackles rising as he nears the colourful daycare. A throng of children and their parents wait outside the entrance. Their high-pitched voices get louder and louder with each step he takes.

“You’re really okay?” Chanyeol leans in to ask him when he visibly starts to sweat on the back of his neck. 

“The sun’s just getting to me,” Baekhyun replies with a bright smile and a peck on Chanyeol’s cheek.

He doesn’t say a word while Jongdae apologizes to the parents for the wait and opens the daycare’s doors. He doesn’t say anything when he’s handed a yellow lanyard with no name on it, just puts it on and pretends that he doesn’t dislike the annoying feeling of something hanging around his neck. Baekhyun tries to convince himself that he’s fine, that he’s golden. He tries to dismiss the panic in his gut when the kids start flooding the classroom.

For the first two hours, things are fine. The kids are nice and listen to Jongdae most of the time. It’s a good mix of boys and girls, all between the ages of three to four. They absolutely love Chanyeol from the minute they see him, because really, who wouldn’t fall in love with the human embodiment of _boyfriend material?_ Chanyeol is all goofy smiles and dad jokes with the small children. He blends right in with the warm atmosphere of the room as he lifts several children up on his strong arms and pulls them into the air.

Baekhyun is enjoying himself. He laughs when Jongdae kicks Chanyeol in the back of his knees for doing something so dangerous with the kids. He smiles when Jongdae serves the kids snacks and almost coos at how cute they are when they eat. He stares at Chanyeol lovingly, the man in his natural element as children climb on top of him and he makes them laugh with his funny faces. 

Truthfully, Baekhyun would be lying if he said he didn’t even feel a little out of place. He’s awkward around new people and doesn’t actively make conversation with the children like Chanyeol does. He prefers to stand on the sidelines helping Jongdae carry things and prepare lunch, saying nothing as he watches the scene before him unfold. Even when Chanyeol walks over to hold him by the waist and ask him if he’s okay, he says that he’s fine. He’s perfectly content with this.

But his rhythm is thrown off when a little boy wanders up to him and asks if he can call Baekhyun _noona_ with a flower in his outstretched hand. The boy is the smallest of the lot and his eyes are small and droopy in the way that typical Korean eyes are. He’s the most precious thing in the world as he fidgets from where he stands and hands Baekhyun the paper flower that he was making with the rest of the class. 

Everybody seems to stop talking all at once when the boy speaks, and Baekhyun’s cheeks heat up when all the eyes in the room shift their gaze onto him. Jongdae stares at him wide-eyed, Chanyeol aggressively folds his arms and looks prepared to march on over, and the kids look around in confusion at the sudden silence in the daycare.

“Is that really a _noona,_ Kim- _ssaem_?” A little girl asks as she breaks the silence in the room.

And Baekhyun is laughing, wholeheartedly laughing in pure humor. Unexpectedly, he finds the whole situation so funny, and Jongdae joins in with his screeching laughter while Chanyeol adds a few loud hoots of amusement a second later. The kids are confused but they’re happy that the tension in the air has been dispelled and go back to what they were doing.

“Of course you can,” Baekhyun says to the blushing little boy after he wipes a few tears from his eyes. “You can call me anything you like.”

He leans down and ruffles the boy’s hair, all previous anxiety and worry now gone. He joins in on the conversation Jongdae is now holding with the whole class and relaxes as a few children sit closer to him. He’s fine, he’s golden, he’s absolutely stunning. He isn’t nervous around kids anymore and Jongdae and Chanyeol can tell. The three of them have nothing to fear now that Baekhyun has warmed himself up to the children.

Suddenly, the door to the classroom opens and a man dressed in a jet black business suit walks in. His hair is neatly coiffed back on top of his head and his droopy eyes and facial structure are strikingly similar to Baekhyun’s. He holds the hand of a little boy no more than two years old, walking by his side. Baekhyun feels his blood freeze as no one other than Byun Baekbeom walks into the room, the brother Baekhyun had last spoken to three years ago.

“I’m so sorry we’re late, and we know it’s two weeks past the summer registration deadline. Sebin wasn’t feeling well this morning. Could we register him today for your daycare, Kim- _seongsaem_?”

Chanyeol abruptly stands up, knocking over a chair and attracting the attention of everyone in the room. His gaze is smoldering as he locks eyes with Baekbeom, and for a moment, nobody in the room dares to even breathe.

“You…” Chanyeol hisses, spitting out the word as if it’s venom. He looks to Baekhyun in concern but raises his eyebrows in surprise when he sees what’s happened to him.

All of the colour has drained from Baekhyun’s face and he looks absolutely terrified. His hands are trembling as he brings them up to his ashen face. From where Chanyeol is, he can see that Baekhyun’s chest is heaving from the effort of simply breathing. He looks ready to fall over at any minute.

“I…”

Baekbeom now notices Baekhyun’s presence in the room and turns to stare at him in surprise. At first, he’s confused, but then his expression becomes livid as he sees Baekhyun surrounded by the sea of children.

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun tries to say, but it comes out as a sob. His whole body is wracked with tremors and he spins on his heel to run out through the emergency exit.

“I’m so sorry,” the people left in the room hear him say as he flees from the daycare. The emergency exit slams shut with a _bang_ and the room is left in silence. Nobody dares to speak or even breathe for a moment with the choking silence sitting heavy in the room. All anyone can hear is the sound of Baekhyun’s footsteps slowly growing softer in the distance.

 

 

\--

 

 

Baekhyun is running as fast as he can, but he isn’t really sure where he’s heading. All he knows is that he has to get as far away from that place as possible. 

He feels like absolute shit. He’s sweating bucket loads and his hands refuse to stop shaking. He can barely see through the onslaught of tears that won’t stop leaking from his eyes. 

_Why? Why me?_ He wonders as he thinks back to Baekbeom’s shocked face in the nursery. Why was he, out of everybody else on the entire fucking planet, forced to meet Baekbeom today? Why couldn’t Baekbeom have chosen another nursery to go to? From the looks of it, his child– Sebin, was it? – couldn’t have been more than two, and that was a little too young to go to Jongdae’s daycare. 

His brother. The little boy. When did Baekbeom have another child? His thoughts run rampant as he thinks of what happened in the three years that he was gone. His mother didn’t even tell him that his brother had another child. Nobody mentioned it, said a word or even a peep. 

But, it kind of makes sense to him. After all, Baekhyun deserves this. He deserves the wall of silence that now separates him and his elder brother.

Baekhyun can feel his phone vibrating in his pocket and he stops his mad sprinting to pick up the call. With shaky hands, he accepts the call and realizes that it’s Chanyeol. 

“Baekhyun. Where are you? Please tell me you’re safe. I’ll be there in a second.” Chanyeol sounds out of breath and Baekhyun feels a wave of guilt strike him as he realizes Chanyeol has been searching for him.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” he says, but he’s still crying and his hands are still trembling. “Just leave me alone. I want to be alone.”

Chanyeol is still talking and demanding to know where he is, saying things like he’ll hurt himself like last time and that he just wants to bring him somewhere safe. Baekhyun hangs up on him and collapses on a nearby bench, vaguely aware that he’s sitting beside a busy street as passing people walk by and stare at him.

He’s breaking, he’s falling apart, he’s not golden anymore. He’s scattering into all these little shards on the floor and he can’t pick them up. It’s useless now, he thinks, to even try to put himself back together. 

When something breaks, Baekhyun reflects, it’s better just to throw it away. 

 

 

\--

 

 

Baekhyun never wanted to have kids.

For one, he was gay and biologically couldn’t have children. That didn’t bother him. He would be fine without a little one to take care of. After all, he didn’t think he would have the time and energy to devote to someone else in his life.

He found he was completely proven wrong when his niece Sehyun came into the world.

She became just about everything Baekhyun saw as good in the world in five seconds flat. On her birthday, his brother was in another country and thus unable to see his wife give birth. Baekhyun and Chanyeol came instead and watched for fifteen grueling hours as his sister-in-law delivered the little angel. Baekhyun found the experience a little scarring, really, as his usually gentle-mannered in-law became uncouth and angry, screaming and crying whenever she felt another wave of pain. Eventually, it was over.

“She’s absolutely everything,” his in-law said as the nurses brought the baby for her to hold for the first time. “I’ll name her _Sehyun_ because she’s my whole world.”

Baekhyun stood awkwardly by the side as the small infant weakly clung onto her mother. Chanyeol was beside him and the two of them watched with a distant fondness in their eyes as the new mother kissed her baby and cooed at her. A few moments later, she looked up at them, the pain in her gaze long gone and now replaced with kindness.

“Do you want to hold her?” 

Chanyeol didn’t seem to mind holding the baby, but Baekhyun adamantly shook his head and stuttered, saying that he was too big and clumsy and that he would drop her. He ignored Chanyeol’s comment that he was below the average height for males and blushed even more when a few nurses ushered him over.

“I want you to hold her,” she said softly. Baekhyun couldn’t refuse when she gently placed Sehyun in his arms. He looked at the little thing and felt a little part of him melt when she stared back.

It was like holding warm laundry, he thought as he watched the slow rise and fall of the infant’s chest. Everything in the room seemed to stop for a moment and in their small, unforgettable bubble of time, it was just him and his precious niece. 

Baekhyun could best describe what he was feeling as _hope._ He was so hopeful for the future, hopeful for everything this child had to offer. The immense possibilities of this small infant’s future filled him with strength and hope and everything amazing in the world.

“She has Baekbeom’s eyes,” Baekhyun breathed. “She’s so beautiful.” In his heart, he thought that they even looked a little like his eyes.

No one said anything for a minute after as everyone in the room seemed to collectively agree that the child’s eyes were beautiful. 

After they said goodbye to the resting baby and his tired sister-in-law, the car ride home with Chanyeol was silent. The air between them was thick and Baekhyun knew that they both had the same sinking feeling in their guts. 

_That’ll never be us._

Baekhyun tried to break the silence by appearing cheerful and asking if Chanyeol wanted takeout for dinner, but the conversation died down quickly and reverted back to the same choking silence again. Chanyeol wasn’t talking much and Baekhyun discovered that he wasn’t in the mood to talk, either.

He laid in bed that night wondering what it would be like to have a child of his own. He wanted to know if she would look up at him like Sehyun did, similar eyes reflecting his own gaze, little hands and heart laid out in front of him. 

The image of a small Chanyeol staring back at him in his arms made his heartstrings squeeze a little tighter. 

 

 

\--

 

 

On Baekbeom and his sister-in-law’s anniversary, they left taking care of Sehyun to him for two days.

“Take her out on a walk,” his brother had said. “She never stops pointing at the flowers at the park when we come by.” 

Sehyun was old enough to walk on her own now, most of her baby teeth grown in and her hair tied in little pigtails. Baekhyun was ecstatic when he saw her and she returned his enthusiasm with a glorious _samchon!_

His niece came running into his arms and he swung her around, the two of them laughing. Baekbeom watched the scene with a look of attachment and patted his little brother as he made his way to leave.

“I’ll leave it to you then. Tuck her in before nine.”

Chanyeol was out that night as he was working on a new album for a singer in Japan. It was just him, Baekhyun realized, to keep Sehyun company for the next two days. He was determined to bond with her in the time that her parents were out.

“Why aren’t you and Chanyeol- _samchon_ married yet?” Sehyun asked him when he was tucking her into bed. She pulled up the covers to her nose and looked at Baekhyun expectantly.

“Oh, well, uhm… why are you asking me this, sweetheart?” Baekhyun managed to respond, taken aback by the sudden question.

“Daddy said that you two should get married someday and he would want to be your ‘best man.’ Then he said it was really sad.”

“It’s not sad, Sehyun. Marriage in Korea is between a man and a woman who like each other very much.” Baekhyun tiredly rubbed at his temple.

“Then can I marry you when I grow up, _samchon_?”

“Oh sweetheart,” Baekhyun laughed. He picked up Sehyun and squeezed her tight, relishing in her small giggles. “You can’t marry me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you very much.”

“It’s okay. We can be best friends instead,” Baekhyun said when his niece looked a little downcast. She instantly brightened at his words and held onto Baekhyun’s hand. With a smile, her eyes turned into little moon-shaped crescents.

The same smile greeted Baekhyun the next day when he took his niece out for a day at the park.

The day had started off good enough. Sehyun wanted to look at the flowers at a close by park and he brought her there. Then, after spending an hour on the swings with Baekhyun pushing her, she decided she wanted ice cream. Her uncle happily complied.

They played until the sun went down. They went back to the park, ate lunch in town, visited Baekhyun’s university that he was to return to in the fall. After Sehyun refused to go home and wanted to stay out longer, Baekhyun began feeling sweaty in his layers of sunscreen and uncomfortable sneakers. He wanted to go home.

“The flowers,” Sehyun had said. “We have to go to the flowers.”

“And why is that, sweetheart? Your uncle is tired. Let’s just go back to the house so I can tuck you in.”

She adamantly stood her ground. “No, I want to go to the park! We have to see the pretty flowers at night!”

Baekhyun looked around worriedly at the setting sun and the shadows around them. In the dimness of the early evening, the park they headed to seemed to bloom in darkness.

“Sehyun,” he remembered himself saying. “Don’t stray too far. Hold your uncle’s hand.”

His sweetheart stuck her tongue out at him and ran ahead, giggling.

“Sehyun!” Baekhyun called. “Sehyun, slow down! Your uncle is old!”

She didn’t slow down. Baekhyun chased after her, hearing something along the lines of _Hide and seek,_ samchon! _Hide and seek!_ He felt a bead of sweat form in his temple as the sun finally set and the two were enveloped in darkness.

“Sehyun. Come back. I can’t see you in the dark. It’s dangerous.” Baekhyun spotted a streetlamp and moved towards it, feeling spooked out himself by the black of night.

“Hide and seek!” A little girl’s voice seemed to call in the distance. Baekhyun wasn’t in the mood to play along. He was beginning to panic now after the absence of his niece’s bright voice for a few minutes. He ran to the swings, looked beneath the slide. Ran into the forest and checked every tree.

Lost. Lost. Lost. Baekhyun was lost. That was what he felt as he tirelessly tore through the undergrowth. He faltered at a scratch on his arm from the branches of a few low hanging trees. He shook his head and barreled on.

Baekhyun didn’t remember how long he had been looking for his niece until he tripped on a bush and crashed into the ground. He blindly felt for his ankle and bit back a cry of pain when he touched it. He was tired, scared, and hungry. All he wanted was to go back home and crawl into bed. 

He was so afraid, so cold in the middle of the forest.

But if he was so scared, then what was his niece feeling at the moment? 

And so he kept looking. He called the police. Then he kept looking some more.

Baekhyun was in a trance until the next morning. It was like he was dreaming, he thought. The fatigue in his limbs weighed him down as he untiringly trampled through the forest, but he didn’t care. He remembered voices ringing in his ear and the distant feeling of hunger until particularly loud shouts came from a few metres ahead of him. 

Everything suddenly became crystal clear as he approached the officers. He could hear the running of water flowing over rock soil. The air was different here, Baekhyun remarked. It was sharper. It hit his nose and the scent of the river lingered there.

An officer’s hand stopped him from continuing. He pushed it down and walked forward.

They found his niece with her head in the river, body cold and eyes glassy.

“Time of death?” he heard an officer ask.

“June twenty-sixth, a bit past twelve a.m.”

Nobody except for Chanyeol talked to Baekhyun for a whole month.

Three years passed and Baekhyun still hadn’t heard a word from his brother.

Sometimes, Baekhyun would pick up the phone and dial Baekbeom’s number, but his fingers would stop before he pressed the call button. He would suddenly become nervous and would have to put the phone down. 

And it wasn’t because he was too scared to call his brother, too scared to listen what he had to say or how angry he must have been.

It was because every time he tried to call, the image of a smiling little girl came to his mind.

 

 

\--

 

 

“How does Hawaii sound?” 

Baekhyun shifts from where he’s currently wrapped in piles of comforter and blanket. He’s come down with a cold two days before June twenty-sixth and he feels absolutely terrible.

“Hawaii is cool. Staying in bed is cooler,” he says hoarsely, voice weak from days of not using it.

“You know,” Chanyeol says as he sets Baekhyun’s lunch down in front of him, “there’s a whole bunch of stuff to do in Hawaii. We could surf, play with humpbacks, jump into volcanoes…”

“Really,” Baekhyun hums. He looks at the food with a look of disdain before sighing and lying back into his pillows.

“Really,” Chanyeol echoes. “You always said you wanted to go to Hawaii.” He sets the food aside and lies down on the bed as well, spooning Baekhyun from behind. He absentmindedly runs a hair through the boy’s hair and frowns when his hand gets caught in a bundle of knots. Baekhyun doesn’t say anything and looks out the window with a distant gaze.

“I was thinking we could go outside today,” Chanyeol tries with a smile from behind Baekhyun’s shoulder. “Let’s get some fresh air. Get out of this stuffy room. I think it would be good for you.”

“I’m sorry. I’m just not feeling it today.” Baekhyun shifts away from him. 

Chanyeol tenses. It’s the same reply Baekhyun has given him for the past week ever since the incident at the daycare. He remembers finding Baekhyun passed out on a bench, eyes red and skin pale. For a second, he thought he wasn’t breathing.

“This… this isn’t healthy, Baekhyun. You can’t stay cooped up in here forever.”

“Yes I can,” Baekhyun replies, but it’s barely above a whisper.

“This isn’t good for you.”

“How would you know what’s good for me?”

Chanyeol clamps his mouth shut while Baekhyun inwardly swears at himself. The two on the bed have completely separate internal conversations running through their head but they both can’t seem to vocalize their thoughts.

“Baekhyun…” Chanyeol murmurs. He’s met with silence and he takes it as a signal to continue.

“I booked an appointment with a psychologist yesterday. I’ve been thinking we need to see someone about… this.” Chanyeol blindly gestures at what’s around them.

Baekhyun violently whips his head around to meet Chanyeol’s gaze and he stares at him heatedly.

“A psychologist? What, do you think I’m sick or something?”

“That wasn’t what I meant. You know that.”

“Get out.” He throws Chanyeol’s around off of him and it lands with a _plop._

“Baekhyun, baby, please–”

“Get OUT.” Baekhyun knows he should feel terrible for ordering Chanyeol around like this when he’s been nothing but kind to him, however, the thought doesn’t register in his head. He brings his hands to his eyes and rubs at them, trembling a little when Chanyeol gets off the bed.

“I’m sorry.” Chanyeol’s voice is full of hurt and if Baekhyun looks over right now, he knows he’ll see this hurt etched all over his face.

“I just want things to go back to the way they were before.”

There’s a pause, and then Baekhyun hears the door close with a resounding _click._

He throws his face into his sheets and tries to suppress the sobs that wrack his whole body. 

 

 

\--

 

 

They met in very particular circumstances.

Baekhyun looked at his watch for the umpteenth time that night, feeling his heart beat twice as fast as the rhythm the little device clicked out. His hands fidgeted with the buttons fastened tightly around his neck. His eyes prickled with the imminent presence of his black eyeliner threatening to seep past his waterline.

 _He_ was late.

Baekhyun lounged on his seat at the fancy restaurant he sat in and tried to look as nonchalant as possible. He was taking up space, he knew, but he couldn’t be bothered to leave the restaurant until his date showed up. He’d come eventually, wouldn’t he? Yes, he was just stuck in traffic. It wasn’t his fault he was late.

The pitiful stares from onlookers at his empty table for two were making him uncomfortable. Byun Baekhyun did not like to be pitied. He didn’t like those sympathetic glances his way and the occasional whispers of _he got stood up_ and _poor thing._

His reservation was only for an hour. He had waited well past his allotted time, begging the waiters who tried to kick him out to just give him ten more minutes. Eventually, they left him alone and took to whizzing past him with steaming plates of food.

Baekhyun was hungry. His stomach growled, but he didn’t order anything.

His date would show up soon, after all.

He pulled his phone to check the time before he checked his watch again. He then pulled out his phone again to check for any new text messages.

Nothing. There was nothing.

He tried opening his private conversation with _him._ The only messages in there were his date promising that he’d meet Baekhyun at the restaurant at seven, the man Baekhyun pined after all throughout high school. The rest of the conversation was messages from Baekhyun asking where he was. He didn’t want to seem clingy, so he only sent seven.

Baekhyun shakily raised a finger to send another message that hopefully didn’t sound too desperate. He pressed send.

_This person is currently not receiving messages from you at the moment._

Blocked. He had _blocked_ Baekhyun.

Hot tears started forming in Baekhyun’s eyes and he felt the oncoming barrage of ugly crying on its way. Fuck. He didn’t want to cry. He looked so good tonight, having preened himself until his skin was glowing and his eyes were lined with wonderful black eyeliner. He was going to ruin his makeup. He was going to cry in public.

And then someone quickly slid into the empty seat across from him, making a lot of noise as he did so. 

“I’m so, so sorry I’m late, baby. Traffic was really bad on the road. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

Big ears were the first thing Baekhyun noticed about the stranger sitting across from him. And that wasn’t the only thing big about him. Even though they were both seated, he still towered over Baekhyun, all broad shoulders and large chest.

“… What?” Baekhyun muttered, touching his eyes to make sure his fingers didn’t come back with smeared ink.

“Shh,” the stranger said with a wink. “Just go along with it.”

Baekhyun noticed the stares they got from the others in the restaurant and he blushed, turning back to the man in front of him. He was handsome, Baekhyun decided, and mysteriously kind for pretending to be a total stranger’s date. The man gave him a warm but tentative smile and Baekhyun returned the gesture, now blinking away a few tears.

“It’s okay, babe,” Baekhyun said with the brightest smile on his face. “Let’s just order.”

 

 

\--

 

 

“I don’t understand why you made me come here.”

On June twenty-sixth, Chanyeol takes Baekhyun out to a fancy restaurant.

“It’s the place we met,” Chanyeol says as he hangs their coats up and gestures at a waiter. “For old times’ sake. You know I’m a romantic.”

“I know you all too well.” Baekhyun rolls his eyes at the taller male. “Today just wasn’t the best day for me to go out, you feel?”

“I feel,” Chanyeol replies. He gives a glance to Baekhyun, but it isn’t one full of pity. He seems guilty. Maybe even a little nervous. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it. Let’s just try to enjoy tonight,” Baekhyun responds. They sit down at a table for two and flick through the menu.

Chanyeol decides, “I want the _Lovebird’s Drink._ It comes with a heart-shaped straw for two people. Isn’t that cute?”

“That’s kinda gay,” Baekhyun tells him, but he’s smacked with a playful hit to the arm that sends a smile to his face. He shrugs and lets Chanyeol order whatever.

The night progresses alright for a day as serious as June twenty-sixth. Baekhyun tries not to dwell on it, tries not to think about it. He relaxes into the evening and joins Chanyeol in his banter. He makes small talk and pretends to be surprised when Chanyeol wants to share the heart-shaped drinking straw. He grimaces at the sweetness of the drink but the terrible puns Chanyeol makes at how sweet Baekhyun is make him cringe even more. 

He secretly likes it, though. Not that he would ever tell Chanyeol.

What embarrasses him the most that night is Chanyeol asking the manager of the restaurant to dedicate a song to them. He practically begs the manager for them to play Baekhyun’s favourite song, saying that he had something special planned for their evening. The manager eventually complies, although he technically isn’t allowed to let customers choose their music. 

Baekhyun looks over to the huge television screen in the middle of the bar. He’s having fun– of course he is, he’s with Chanyeol, the love of his life– but something inside him feels empty. There’s something missing. There has always been something missing, Baekhyun realizes, ever since the death of his niece. It had taken a part of him away, took it and smashed it into little pieces. Baekhyun wonders if he’ll ever feel complete again.

He sighs and runs a few fingers through his hair. He fucked up. He’s thinking about her when he promised himself he wouldn’t. Nostalgic memories start coursing through his head and he wills them away. 

_Not today, Satan,_ he thinks as he tries to concentrate on the news he’s watching. He won’t think of her today. 

He won’t think of her, ever.

The news anchor on the television is speaking at such a fast pace that even Baekhyun’s native ears have trouble keeping up with him. A picture of the American flag and a crowd of crying protesters are on display for all watchers to ogle at. At first, Baekhyun is puzzled at why the guy seems so excited to share the news. Then, he learns.

“Gay marriage has been legalized in the United States of America,” the news anchor says. “When will Korea take the next step to becoming a first world country of the twenty-first century?”

“Yay for the Americans,” Baekhyun says with fake enthusiasm. “Gays can marry in their country. Great.”

“Yeah, it’s amazing,” Chanyeol breathes. He too tears his gaze away from the television screen and looks at Baekhyun seriously. “You don’t think it’s a good thing?”

“Of course I do. But I don’t think you’ve forgotten that we’re Korean, not American. You realize that _we_ still can’t get married in our home country, right?” Baekhyun winces at the annoyance in his voice. He didn’t mean to sound this whiney.

“Baekhyun, baby,” Chanyeol says. Baekhyun notices how Chanyeol’s hands have been a little shaky for a while now.

“Chanyeol, are you okay? Why are you so… don’t, don’t have a stroke on me now,” Baekhyun says, feeling a little nervous himself.

“Just… listen to me, love. There’s something I have to say.”

Chanyeol pulls Baekhyun out of his seat and to his feet. He gets down on one knee.

“Uh, play the song,” Chanyeol says at a waiter standing nearby. The waiter scurries off and runs to the back. The pair waits awkwardly at their spot in the middle of the restaurant for a minute or two as everybody stares at them.

“You, uh, really couldn’t do this without the song? Really?” Baekhyun lifts an eyebrow in a teasing way, Chanyeol’s intentions now evident. He feels his hands begin to tremble and his heart hammer faster but he tries to ignore it.

 _Moonsound_ starts playing from the room’s speakers. The news anchor has been muted and the conversation in the restaurant has lulled to a quiet hush.

“No, I couldn’t,” Chanyeol says with a laugh. “Because for you, baby, everything has to be absolutely perfect. Because you’re worth it.”

Baekhyun attempts to make his usual kind of sassy remark to hide his anxiety, but he fails and brings the hand Chanyeol isn’t holding to his face. He squeaks when Chanyeol brings his lips to Baekhyun’s hand and he knows he could die as the happiest man on earth right now.

“I’ve been wanting to do this ever since, I don’t know, twenty ten? Ever since your mom fed me something weird and I got food poisoning and you nursed me through the whole night, holding my hand and wiping the sweat off my face. I knew I wanted to marry you right then and there.”

Baekhyun chuckles and he feels his throat start to choke up. “Chanyeol,” he whispers. “Chanyeol, love.”

“I actually had a whole script prepared for this, but now that I’m on my knees in front of you and the whole restaurant’s staring at me, I don’t know, I’m blanking out. But oh my god, are you so beautiful, Byun Baekhyun. You’re the most stunning person on this entire planet, standing right here in front of me. It’s so funny. I usually know how to express myself very well, but you just standing here manages to take my breath away.” Chanyeol pauses and takes a deep breath to prepare himself.

“So, uh, I guess what I want to say is that I’ll be yours if you’ll be mine. I want you, and only you. And what better way to do that than to propose with some plane tickets?” Chanyeol momentarily lets go of Baekhyun’s hand to pull two crumpled tickets to Hawaii. He sets them gently in Baekhyun’s palm.

“You always told me you wanted to go to Hawaii. And I was a little worried the other day when you looked like you didn’t really want to go. But now gay marriage is legalized in America, and that includes Hawaii. And I think I could make you really happy if I take you there and play with the humpback whales with you. So, I know I’m rambling, but Baekhyun,” Chanyeol says with a wonderful blush on his face, “will you marry me and make me the luckiest guy on earth?”

Baekhyun stops breathing as Chanyeol pulls out a small black box from his jacket. He opens it to reveal two matching silver rings, one a little bigger than the other. They’re both adorned with star-shaped gems that catch the light and reflect it back at Baekhyun. The intricate carvings on the band of the ring read _infinitus,_ and Baekhyun knows that he would love Chanyeol beyond forever if he let him.

He doesn’t realize he started crying until a wet teardrop falls on his hand. Baekhyun rubs at an eye and looks in relief when it comes back devoid of any black eyeliner. His lips tremble as he caresses Chanyeol’s larger hand holding onto his.

He looks at Chanyeol, then he looks back at the star-shaped rings. He takes a quivering breath before he looks into those beautiful sparkling eyes that seem to mirror his exact soul.

“Yes,” Baekhyun whispers.

At that moment, nothing seems to shine brighter than just the two of them.

 

 

\--

 

 

\--

 

 

EPLILOGUE

_The periodic swishing of the tide can be heard in the distance as Hawaiian geese caw and dolphins shout. The sun is warm on his skin and tickles his eyelashes, making him blink a bit in the morning light of the island. Baekhyun adjusts the flowers in his hair and takes one last look in the mirror before he stands up._

_He runs his fingers over the hundreds of letters lying on his table of those that RSVP’d for the wedding. A few names catch his attention and he stares at them fondly, a quiet smile on his face. Kim Jongdae and his plus one, Kim Minseok. Four Chinese penpals that came all around the world just for him. Byun Baekbeom, his mother, his sister-in-law. All these people here, just for his wedding day._

_A noise behind him startles him and he turns around to see Chanyeol fully dressed in a white suit and a Hawaiian lele hanging off his neck. Baekhyun’s heart beats quicker, he feels his face unconsciously twist into a smile._

_“Are you ready?” Chanyeol asks him before he holds out his hand. Baekhyun looks at him, really looks deep into his eyes for a few glittering moments before he replies._

_“I’ve always been ready.”_

_And so he grabs Chanyeol’s hand and leads them out into the white sands and colourful flowers waiting for him on the other side of the door. He welcomes the glorious sun that greets him and he relishes in the screams and cheers coming from all of his loved ones._

_Baekhyun’s eyes flicker open when he swears he heard the distant voice of a little girl. He looks into the audience in surprise when he spots a hazy figure in the distance, waving at him enthusiastically._

_"I knew you would make it," Baekhyun whispers, half to himself and half to the figure waving at him. No one hears him, but it's fine. Everything is fine– no, it's more than fine. He feels his heart swelling in his chest as he looks out into the audience once more. He feels the Hawaiian sun kiss his skin and wind ruffle his hair, and for once, he is genuinely grateful that he exists._

_He gives Chanyeol’s hand beside him a squeeze and glances over. A pair of beautiful, sparkling eyes stares back at him._

_He’s complete now, Baekhyun realizes as he steadily walks down the flowered aisle. He’s absolutely golden._

_And he has never felt more hopeful in his entire life._

_\--_

_**END** _

**Author's Note:**

> If you're reading this, thank you for making it to the end. I love you.
> 
> Happy birthday to our shining light.


End file.
